It’s that time of year when children leave for university and it brings back so many memories. It takes me back in time to when our girls left home to study. Our first daughter went to college 5 years ago and our second 2 years ago. My husband and I have been empty nesters for over 2 years. Through this blog I would like to share the stages I went through in this whole process of adaptation.
Preparing the child for college is important but what’s equally important is preparing the parent for their new life. There are steps you can take to prepare but you can never be fully prepared. It definitely helps to have something purposeful going on in your life other than your child. Friends can help – but to only some extent. Nothing can take the place of the void that has been created in your life.
When my first daughter left home, people tried to comfort me by reminding me that I still have one more child at home. Let me tell you that this was no comfort at all. The void created by my first daughter cannot be filled by my second daughter or anyone else. Similarly, when my second daughter left to college, coincidentally, she went to the same city as her sister. This time people tried to comfort me by saying, “At least they have each other, since they are in the same city.” Yes, this was definitely helpful but did not reduce the void created when my second daughter left. I had to accept and adapt to my new life. I allowed these 2 voids to be.
It’s been over 2 years and my daughters are well settled. Even today, as I write this blog, I can feel a lump in my throat. However, I also have a feeling of accomplishment for using the voids to help me find myself over the years. I have observed myself and noted the changes that have organically happened through this process of adaptation. I have classified these changes into three stages, which I am sharing with you.
1. Identity Crisis:
I played the role of being a parent so seriously that I forgot who I was. The first year was the toughest. I almost felt like I did not exist. Even though I had a job, close family and a very supportive husband I found it very hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was anything other than a mother. I missed my girls physically being there at home, cooking for them, having in-person conversations etc. I was a teacher by profession but I had let being a mother define me so much that I felt like my identity was being robbed from me. It was then that I started asking myself “Who was I before the kids came into my life?”
2. Self- Discovery
I was reminded of all the things I enjoyed doing. The grief within me started to find its way out through poetry. I saw how the poems were initially about children, motherhood and slowly moved towards other topics. Gradually, an interest to do creative things like knitting and calligraphy happened. The universe now started extending more support. One of my students introduced me to Zentangle, a form of art that captivated me for a while. I was just allowing myself to go with the flow. It surely was helping me feel vibrant. Meditation, which has been my companion for long, took a major role in my healing process. I practiced breath awareness, present moment awareness and listened to a lot of talks by spiritual teachers like Eckhart Tolle and Thich Nhat Hanh. The void of my children leaving was not getting filled. It was almost like I was making friends with the void. I started to see a glimpse of who I am. My girls were very helpful throughout the process. I expressed my doubts and fears and discussed it with them. Their intentions to see me sail through this phase of my life helped them be there for me and comfort me. Finding myself was a family effort. Through it all emerged a victorious me. A me that was ok with the way things were. A me that saw the inevitability of children growing up and finding their own selves. A me that saw a joy in being in the present moment and doing whatever it is the moment calls for. A me that was open to new possibilities and opportunities and most importantly, a me that was not defined by the role it plays.
3. Acceptance
Going through the second stage has only recently got me to the third in which I have now found myself and accepted that growth and change is in the nature of life. I continue to play my role as a mother by being involved in my children’s lives as I have always been. The difference is that I now don’t let the role define who I am. I now see the children moving out of home as a positive – for it has brought about a transformation in me and made them responsible adults. My finding myself has impacted my whole family positively. I feel more connected to my girls than ever before. We are able to give each other the space we need for our self -growth and fulfilment. I have come to understand that the lesson of letting go is such a crucial part of parenting. The whole experience has taught me very important life skills:
- Acceptance
- Allowing
- Present Moment Wonderful Moment.
Reflection
1. Allow yourself to go through the 3 stages of adaptation.
2. Be open to possibilities.
3. Do not resist any feelings that arise through the process.
4. Involve your children in your process of adaptation.
5. Trust in the process of life and allow the adaptation to happen organically.
I hope this blog will help you allow your birds to fly away with a smile on your face rather than with tears in your eyes. Get ready for a bumpy ride but an amazing journey of self-discovery for both you and your child.
