The former US President, Barack Obama shared the leadership lessons he learned from raising his daughters, in an event in San Francisco. One of the lessons he learnt was –Different people require different approaches – https://www.insider.com/barack-obama-leadership-lesson-parenting-2019-9
This took me back memory lane to a similar lesson I learnt not so long ago. Like most of you, I always thought it would be fair, only if I gave the same privileges to both my girls. For example, we had to come up with a boundary, for the number of parties that can be attended in a given month for my older daughter. This number continued for my younger daughter too as my belief was, Fair means equal. This approach continued until I heard a speaker in a workshop on Applied Behavioral Analysis say, Fair is not equal. She was talking in reference to special needs children. However, it made me think about this in respect to typical children. I remembered my younger daughter telling me, “That’s not fair – I want to go to more parties – I like parties.” While at that time this seemed more like a tantrum, I could now somehow understand what she meant. While the number of parties decided was completely ok for my first daughter, it was not ok for my second. This is because the decision made was compatible with the personality of my first daughter while it was incompatible with my second daughter’s personality. The boundary was making my younger daughter claustrophobic while it was perfectly fine for my older daughter.
When I revisited the whole situation of the number of parties, I decided to ask my older one if she would feel it to be unfair to her, if we increased the number of parties for her sister. To my surprise she said, “No, I don’t want to go to more parties.” This reiterated the statement – Fair does not mean equal. Some more examples could be, the number of candies given to each child, when and how much toys/ clothes / playtime etc. is given at a point in time, disciplining strategies, teaching methods and so on.
To explain Fair does not mean equal, I would like to use something that I learnt from Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective people” and Dr Montessori’s philosophy where she refers to the child as a “Spiritual Embryo”.
Insights from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about Deposits and withdrawals from the Emotional bank account.
Deposit:
It is said that you make a deposit in your regular bank account when you add money to it. Similarly, when you do things that is important to the child, it increases their emotional bank account as it makes them feel loved and understood. For example: You listen empathetically and lovingly to what your child has to say when he is upset about a fight with his friend. This could make a deposit of love in the child’s emotional bank account
Withdrawal: It is called a withdrawal when you take away money from your bank account. Similarly, when you do things that are not important to the child /disrespect the child you are making a withdrawal from their emotional bank account.
For example: If you don’t keep your word periodically it could result in a withdrawal of trust from the emotional bank account.
So “Fair is not necessarily equal” because the privilege given, needs to be a deposit in the child’s emotional bank account for it to seem fair to them. It will be a deposit, only if what is given is important to that child. Even though I felt I was being fair by offering the same privilege to both my girls, clearly, I wasn’t. It would be fair only if we look at it from my second daughter’s perspective, keep what’s important to her and her welfare in mind and then come up with a number. Once we did that, I could almost see the joy in her heart for, the thought Fair is not equal had created a space for her to be herself.
Insight from Dr. Montessori
When I look at it from Dr. Montessori’s perspective also it seems so true. Dr Montessori believed that each child is A Spiritual Embryo:
- Embryo- anything that’s is in a state of growth
- Spiritual – because the growth is not only in the physical sphere but also in the spiritual/psychic sphere.
Just like how an embryo has a pre- determined plan for its development, each child is born with a pre- determined plan for their unfolding. An apple seed has everything in it that is needed for it to develop into an apple tree. The same is true for other seeds. But if we decide to use the same manure for all the seeds there are more chances of the seed not developing to its full potential as it has not received appropriate nourishment. Fair is not equal, provides that appropriate nourishment that is needed for the child to unfold in accordance with the laws of nature.
This is true in a class room too! The teacher would have to custom make boundaries, teaching styles, disciplining methods etc with the child’s needs, capabilities and what’s important to them in mind. For example – If you know that it is very hard for a child to sit in one place for more than 10 minutes, it is unfair to expect him to sit for a 20 min circle time activity. It is even more unfair to punish him for not being able to do so.
So in conclusion, if you want to be “Fair” to your children then it is important to first understand them and find out what is important to them and why. This way you can set boundaries, teach and discipline them appropriately. This approach will help them in their development and will make a deposit in their emotional bank account. If you make more deposits than withdrawals in a regular bank then you have more money in the bank and you are a rich person. Similarly, if you make more deposits than withdrawals in the emotional bank account then you have a lot of love and trust in your emotional bank account which makes the relationship you have with your child rich. This healthy relationship between parent-child or teacher–child is crucial for the natural unfolding of the Spiritual Embryo.
