Sometimes parenting more than one child presents a unique challenge. All children are born into this world with their share of challenges. Some children may have less intense challenges, and some have more. One child gets the expected grades in studies and the other not, one child is focused and the other distracted, one child’s behavior meets our requirements, and the others does not and so on. Each human experiences life in a unique way with many variations. There are differences in quality, quantity, status and privilege everywhere in the world. It becomes even more challenging, when stark differences are seen within one household. As siblings grow up, the differences can show up in achievements, performance, finance, relationships, marital status, timings of milestones etc. Comparison and jealousy causes a lot of disconnection within oneself and between siblings and between parents and children.
No two children have the same life experiences. How does a parent show up for all of their children in authentically aligned ways so that each child feels seen, heard and understood and is provided an opportunity to thrive in their own unique ways? Has this question ever crossed your mind? Are you in the midst of such a situation?
This is indeed the most daunting task when parenting more than one child.
The approach to this challenge can only begin with the parents healing themselves, discovering who it is they are, looking deeply into their own conditioning, beliefs, expectations and projections. It begins with a willingness of the parent to see clearly and take action in the direction of changing patterns. In short, when a parent first shows up for themselves in authentically aligned ways, only then can they show up authentically aligned to each of their children embracing the differences. Parents taking care of their own insecurities and grief from their expectations not being met, is a part of this healing process.
Then comes the part of seeing their children for who the children truly are. Not their behaviors, grades, looks, achievements but seeing the essence of their child underneath it all. Normalizing differences, seeing worth as that which is already here just because we exist – we don’t need to prove it, fight for it nor deny it. Embodying ways of being that this understanding brings with it will dispel judgement, expectation and projection. When I say dispel, I don’t mean vanish, I mean discharging its charge. When judgement, expectation and projection are seen, they lose their power. Calling out ourselves when we judge, expect, project or when we replay patterns reduces their power on us and the situation. In this space, the child can be seen clearly for who they are. We can then hold space for the child’s differences, desires and aspirations. We can also hold space for disappointment, frustration, sadness, comparison, jealousy and anger.
When the differences between our fantasy child and the child in front of us are more, the holding space for the parents’ feelings and child’s feelings that arise get to be more important. Comparison and jealousy are bound to appear. Sometimes, parents who have not started the journey of seeing themselves, find these feelings too overwhelming. They are compelled to resort to the easiest way for them in the moment which is to ask the child that is thriving – to dim his/her light. They think that the child who is encountering challenges will be less upset, frustrated and angry. It is hard for parents to see these big feelings in their children and so asking the thriving child to “slow down”, “shine a little lesser” may seem like a relief for them in the moment.
However, this approach harms both children. It stunts the growth of the one that is asked to dim the light because the child would stop expressing themselves fully. The child continues to live with a conflict within himself/herself – a part that wants to shine and the part that is anxious to shine. The child that is facing more challenges or obstacles to the unfolding, needs assistance, skills and support with ways he/she can meet these obstacles and continue the growth curve. When we don’t provide the child with skills to face their challenge, the child feels that they are given up on it. There is no room for improvement. This is the completely untrue belief that continues to limit the child.
Children don’t realize that their parents need to grow up and do whatever that was needed in the moment. They instead think of themselves as not worthy of improvement. So, one child continues to believe they are not worthy enough to shine and the other child continues to believe they are not worthy of improvement. Both the children are not thriving.
Our task as parents is to show up for our pains, anxieties and our fears, so that we can see, hear and understand and show up for our child’s pains, anxieties and fears. We continue to provide nourishment to the already thriving one in the form of validation, appreciation, encouragement and motivation. and continue to provide love, structure, boundaries and life skills to the other one to facilitate thriving.
Instead of comparing the two children and putting them one against the other, we should provide support to the child that requires that extra support. We can embody the fact that we are all in it together. It is us against the challenge. It is never us against each other. Giving support or seeking support, however, must come from the child’s own volition. The environment must embody sharing, giving, caring and compassion for children to imbibe these qualities. The parents should shoulder their own responsibilities and empower children to shoulder theirs. Responsibility – not just related to care giving and finance – but also in regard to one’s inner growth through self regulation and living a meaningful life in presence.
We parents cannot change the curriculum our children need in order to grow, even if it is overwhelming. Growth comes from going through the curriculum. We cannot go through the curriculum for any other person, let alone our own children. Our and our child’s lives are individually shaped for our and our child’s development. By embracing it and being present, you will enable growth with less pain. When we resist growth, it results in suffering. Showing up for our challenges and the ones that each of our children face with least resistance and meeting the challenge with love, understanding and compassion is the way of growth.
It is important to reflect on the insight that asking one child to stop shining or dim their light does not help the other child to start shining or grow. In fact, it is the light of those shining in authenticity and honesty that inspires others to shine and grow. We cannot change the curriculum, but we certainly can change the way we approach it and that makes all the difference.
Parents may find it challenging to support themselves and their children when the children have different needs for the nurturing that helps them flourish. The best way to address this challenge is by seeking external help from a professional. Having practices like meditation, yoga etc. can be helpful in empowering us to show up for ourselves and our children.
These practices also help parents regulate their nervous system and help take care of their own unhealed traumas.
Reading books, listening to podcasts and watching YouTube videos can assist parents in this process of healing.
My book, Another Parenting Perspective, can support you on this healing journey. If you need more support, you can sign up for the coaching services I offer.
Before I conclude I would like to say that we parents have pure intentions. We have an inherent goodness. Removing the blocks to this inherent goodness is the role of the process of healing. Wishing you a harmonious and aligned relationship with each of your children.
