Until recently I used to teach yoga to children. While most of the parents signed the children up for class and left the child to explore, there were a few who would like to hang out in class till they saw that their child was comfortable. There were a few others, who would want to come to class even though their child did not demand that from them. The adult, would not only want to be present in class, but they would tell the child what to do in the middle of class and they would tell me to move the child’s body into the poses as the child was not doing it right. This is what I am referring to, when I say Over Protective Adults. I had to convince them, that their child would be fine if they left them alone and the child will learn the poses on his own by watching and experimenting with his body.
I decided to write on this topic as I realized that most overprotective adults are not even aware that they are being over protective – rather, they are under the impression that they are being responsible. I believe that Over Protection can cause more harm than benefits – lets discuss how.
To begin with, I would like to clarify the term Over Protective. Any adult, who is always taking decisions for, telling the child what to do, speaking & doing on behalf of the child and last but not the least – is always on guard to prevent mistakes from happening, is being an over protective adult. It is important to understand, that when an adult is being over protective, he has the best interest of the child in mind. The adult wants to protect the child from making mistakes and thereby prevent suffering. I would like to now list down the harmful effects of over protection:
- Putting yourself in the driver’s seat: When you are over protecting the child, you are doing most of the thinking to deal with the situation at hand. The child knows you will take care of it and therefore does not need to think. This is putting yourself in the drivers’ seat thereby preventing the child from learning the skills needed in the long run. Allowing the child to figure out a solution to the problems he encounters, will enable him to get into the driver’s seat when the time comes.
- Creating Incompetence: You are passing the message, ‘You can’t do without me’. The more over protective you become, the more the child starts feeling incompetent. He feels insecure and is fearful to do or go anywhere without you. While this may make the adult feel loved initially, he does not realize, that the confidence level of the child is dropping because of his Over Protection. By encouraging the child by saying ‘You can do it’, we are empowering them to use the energy within them to guide them to get a task done.
- Prevents exploration: Over protection prevents the child from exploring and trying out new ways of dealing with situations or doing things. They get conditioned to follow the Gofor system of management with the adult telling them to go for this or go for that. This reduces the creative abilities and the feeling of accomplishment – ‘I can figure out things’. If mistakes are not made, then the learning s not effective. What we think as a mistake, may be something your child needs to experience for his growth.
- Deprive the learning that comes from suffering: Over Protective adults are trying to spare their children from suffering. The spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says, “The child will not evolve as a human being and would remain shallow if deprived from suffering.” This suffering can come from nowhere or as a result of a consequence to their actions. In either case it is resulting in a huge learning.
- Instill Fear: Fear comes from a place of not knowing. By being over protective we are increasing the level of not knowing in the child. This makes him scared of doing things. The child becomes anxious of especially new situations as he is not habituated to deal with it on his own. The more experiences they have of encountering new situations on their own, the level of Known increases and eventually makes them fearless.
- Reduces Emotional quotient: The child’s emotional quotient increases with feelings of joy, sadness, grief, jealousy, love, anger etc. By being over protective we are taking away opportunities for this emotional development to happen. Allowing the child to feel all these feelings, especially the negative emotions and teaching them how to respond to these feelings – is a bigger gift than protecting them from feeling negative feelings.
In conclusion, if you are responsible for a child – as a parent or as a teacher, give the child all the help, guidance and protection that you can, but most importantly, give them space. A space to learn by being themselves, making decisions and making mistakes. ‘I know what’s best for you’, may be true when they are children but it becomes less true as they grow up, says Eckhart Tolle. We do not want them to be in a position of not knowing what’s good for them when they are adults because of our Over Protection.
